Beyond the initial spark: how to tell if that person really enriches your life

Has this ever happened to you? That person seems perfect on paper: attractive, funny, they make you laugh, and there’s undeniable chemistry. But something inside you is telling you to take it slower, not to get carried away just by the excitement of the moment.

The reality is that that initial ‘spark’ is just the beginning. What really determines whether a relationship can flourish in the long term are aspects we often overlook in the excitement of those early dates.

In this article, I’ll share a powerful exercise with you: ‘freezing the image’ to assess three fundamental pillars — character, capability and balance — which will help you see beyond the initial attraction. And most importantly: you’ll learn to turn the camera on yourself, because healthy relationships begin with self-awareness.

Ready to look beyond the spark?

By Annabella Roig

Who hasn’t been there? We’re in a nice restaurant — a second date, perhaps a third, still ‘on probation’ as far as I’m concerned — after hours of chatting on the phone and via text, and a coffee date last week.

The conversation is going well. There’s a spark in the air. “He ticks a lot of boxes,” I think. Maybe we shared a kiss – a gentle one. Just as it should be, one of those tender ones. And, just like in the films, our imagination starts to replay the best moments.

We get ahead of ourselves – at least, that’s how I used to be: Could he be the one? That would be brilliant.

But hang on a minute. Freeze the image.

If you’re embarking on an adventure — like catching a flight to a new place — you check the map, ask about the hotel, and make a plan. So, without wanting to dampen your enthusiasm, perhaps we’re starting a new adventure, one where there’s even more at stake. It might be worth asking yourself a few questions. You already know the answers. You know them deep down inside.

Here are the three golden questions:

1. Do they have character and integrity? 

Forget the grand romantic speeches. “A person’s character is revealed in the small details, not in grand gestures. Do they do what they said they would, even when it’s inconvenient for them? Are they kind? How do they treat the waiter, if you’re in a restaurant?”

Character isn’t necessarily demonstrated during that first big candlelit conversation. It’s revealed in moments that might seem insignificant, but which are actually important. 

2. Do they show capacity?

We’re not talking about their ability to assemble an IKEA flat-pack (although that counts too), but rather their emotional capacity. “Capacity is shown in their ability to form a secure bond. Are they able to express what they think and make space for your thoughts? Do they show interest — or even curiosity — in your needs?”

A person can be incredibly charming and yet have very little capacity for true intimacy. True capacity is knowing how to accept a difficult feeling without trying to fix it, defend yourself against it or change the subject immediately.

3. Do you feel balanced?

Balance is about serenity, resilience and having your feet firmly on the ground. Do you seem grounded, or does your mood change depending on circumstances, disappointments and life’s ups and downs?

Let me tell you something: “I once went on a third date with a guy who got angry when I suggested that perhaps we wouldn’t work out, after realising that our values didn’t align. I mean, it was the third date; everything seemed to be going well. But then I got the feeling I was being ‘trapped’ like prey… Well, he was outraged! How dare I! Hmm, I thought as I drove off in my car. I think I narrowly escaped.”

Balance is often the hardest of the three to spot, and the most revealing.

The twist: The freeze-frame within the freeze-frame

So, does it meet the requirements? Character, ability, balance. These are real questions and deserve real answers. They aren’t the only questions, but they are the first ones to be examined.

But now comes the interesting bit. “Now comes the freeze-frame within the freeze-frame. Perhaps you’ve already answered some questions and everything looks fine. Now, get a mirror.”

Because at the end of the day:

• It’s not about ‘Does he have character?’, but ‘Can I even see clearly right now?’.

• It’s not ‘Does he show ability?’, but ‘Am I showing mine?’.

• It’s not ‘Does he feel centred?’, but ‘Where do I turn when my day goes wrong?’.

  
  

Next time, we’ll turn the camera round. The same three questions, but applied to ourselves.

A very different topic, and a much more powerful one.

💬 Does this strike a chord with you?

If this has stirred something in you — a flash of recognition, a pause before the most prominent moments take over — that is exactly the kind of insight we work with in coaching.’

I’d love to hear where this reflection takes you.

If you’re interested in exploring this further, discovering your own answers and navigating your own adventures with greater clarity, get in touch at www.aroigcoaching.com.

Your next appointment (with yourself) starts now!

You'll also find a roster of equally wonderful coaches at https://katherinewoodwardthomas.com/coach-directory/